Bathroom Etiquette - Warning, explicit material may be offensive to some.

This morning, you decide to eat a big breakfast. It's your favorite, and best of all, ya didn't even have to cook it. Eggs, sausage, grits (with cheese), it's The Works! You thank your spouse profusely as you walk out the door and drop off the kid. Steaming hot coffee in one hand, smile on your greasy lips, and a now grumbling full tummy protruding from above your waist band, you parade into the office. Aside from the guilt you are experiencing from eating so many calories at breakfast an hour ago, the day has begun in a most delightful way.
  You're reading your third email of the day, and the grumbling turns into a churning, and the noise echoing past the cubicle walls actually catches the attention of your co-worker, so you politely (and carefully) excuse yourself to the staff restroom.
  You think, oh god, what time is it? Oh, it's too early for break time, and in general right around this time, fellow colleagues are stationed and settled in their respective spots. OK, you think, I should probably have it all to myself. You let your guard down, relax a little, throw open the door; no one at the sink. You continue to scan the place for human feet showing from underneath the stall doors.
  First stall: empty. Good, that's my stall.
  Second stall: empty. Good, no one right next door.
  Third and final stall (probably empty...) no. Curses! And you don't want to look too long because it is better to not recognize the person in case they are having a worse time than you. And good god, you hope they aren't.
  You quietly back track into the first stall, realizing that the person in stall 3 IS in fact having a hard time. A poot here, a squirt there, a grunt here and a few rolls of the toilet paper, but you don't know if that's just a noise distraction device, or are they, heaven forbid, actually using that much toilet paper for this job? You evaluate how long you can delay your duties without seeming creepy, because you know she knows you're there. You know that she knows that you know she's there. And both of you know you're the only ones in the room. If you don't sit and pee soon, she might think you're having the same awful problem she's having. And even though you are very aware that every person in this world has to take a horrible shit sometimes, at this moment, who ever this is who is here, now in some weird stand off with you, is the last person you want to know about your bowel problems.
  So it begins. You sit down, force yourself to pee (first), trying desperately to hold anything else back, for now. You listen. She's quiet now, too.
  You cough, that should buy a second or two. You grab a little bit of toilet paper, hoping the sound of the dispenser will make it seem like you are simply getting prepared to finish up the job that is soon to be complete. You sit.
  She's still quiet.
  Finally, your stomach screams Let It Out!! and it does, and you try as hard as you can to continue to hold back as much as possible, until finally, you hear her toilet flush. You quickly come to your senses and use this perfect opportunity to get it all done in the four second time span that it takes for the noise of the toilet in the 3rd stall to empty. You squeeze your eyes closed and concentrate, because you know you're going to have to  come back to reality as soon as the flush is over. And in the back of your head, you think: the stand off is over. I can relax now (quietly) until she has finished washing her hands, and just ride the wave until you hear her open that door.
  The door opens. Yes.
  "Hi, there." you hear her say.
  "Oh, hello, pardon me." you hear another voice, followed by a slamming stall door number 2.
  You finish your job quickly, now that your new opponent has begun a new race. But this time, you're ahead. You can do whatever you want (as long as your feet can't be seen), and still have time to wash your hands.
  Quickly, you scoot out the door, not taking time to dry your hands, and you have made it home free.

Good Old Thanksgiving Day

Thanksgiving is a time when I get extremely sentimental. This day of the year was always such an awesome day for us; nothing crazy out of the ordinary or exotic. It was always church, family, meal. HUGE meal. and my favorite kind of meal of all. My grandma made her wonderful casseroles, my brother came in town, my cousins were there, and inevitably there'd be football in the background, but that somehow was part of the whole experience, even the part where we start to argue about having the football on TV in the first place. There's something about the warmth of the kitchen, alive with energy, steam rising from pots, dishes clanging, people chattering, the sound of the women shunning the men from the kitchen and the words "stop pickin'" echoing as fingers attempt to find some tiny morsel of goodness from the table before getting popped away by an elder. In a way, Thanksgiving has always been more of a favorite day than even Christmas. (It's ok if you don't believe me) Of course the gifts are nice, but I sincerely enjoyed having my family in one room, even if we were all busy wandering from room to room, gossiping with each other, fighting over the remote control--I knew at some point, we would have half an hour where we were all together, sitting at the dining room table, enjoying a feast, as one.
             Well, times are different these days. We're without a few of our beloved elders, and have added some new beloved youth, and now we're starting our own traditions. Maybe this is when I'm supposed to start loving Christmas again. Yes. I believe it is.

            So, I used to write a Thanksgiving list every year when I was younger, and I dug up one of my old journals to see what I used to be thankful for. I shall share some with you...

This is from Thanksgiving (11/27) 1997
...for sunflower fields
...for nose kisses from Jasper
...newborns
...new life
...death
...for pain which causes revelation
...for love
...for God
...for a funny dad
...for a beautiful mom
...new experiences
...for courage to live my life as an individual
...for music and art
...for the ability to make my grandfather smile

From that list there were so many more things. I was a very thankful 20 year old.

This Thanksgiving, forget your differences, appreciate your family, let go of all your expectations and accept what you have as being everything you need.

This Thanksgiving I'm thinking of my homeless buddy who keeps his bed on the porch of a dilapidated house near where I park at work. May he stay warm, eat well and feel loved by someone today.

A fast burning candle still shines a lovely light.

     I was sleeping last night when Matt came in to tell me Christopher Hitchens had Cancer. I vaguely remember a feeling of brief shock before involuntarily sinking back into my slumber. I had forgotten completely until this morning, and I came to the computer looking for the interview online, with the understanding that Hitchens had already lost his hair.
    I've known people with Cancer. I've known some who have been through the horrible Chemical warfare inside their own bodies to attempt escape from it. The thought of it all is paralyzing. As Anderson Cooper's interview with Hitchens played, I couldn't keep the tears from falling. Although seeing the wispy remnants of fine hair left on his head played a significant role in my tearful shock and immediate emotional strife, I found myself thinking more of the man, the persona, the pure ball of intellectual fire that we may be losing from this planet potentially very soon.

From an article in which he
speaks of his recently waxed
testicles.

    For those who aren't familiar with him or his antics, I'll give you a brief summary of my personal view of him: ...let's see.... a drunk. an asshole. a man not too much into appearances. abrasive. crass. ....but brutally honest. and confident. a realist. well-read. dryly hilarious. sickeningly intelligent. and I would add brave, although that denotes that he has some bit of fear, however I don't believe he ever has had any of that. (More bio info, click here!)

Understanding all the character--uhh--distinctiveness (I wouldn't dare say flaws) he possesses, and embracing the absolutely admirable aspects of his character, I am feeling a good bit sad for him today. The last 6, 7, 8 years have been a sort of intellectual and spiritual journey for me. Hitchens, among others, was there when I needed someone to listen to and learn from who felt what I felt. He helped me gain a new vocabulary for things I had never had to put to words before. I appreciate (and at certain times am very envious of) how straight forward he is with people who battle and debate him. Nothing seems to rattle him.
    There are quite a few lessons to be learned from this "breaking news" of his growing Cancer: avoid alcoholism at all costs. quit smoking NOW. live life to the fullest (bleh, cliche, I know) and lastly, Even Atheists aren't immortal. Thinking of you today, Hitch.

My Favorite Top Ten Things: Take 2

Top Ten Favorite Things About Being Alice's Mom

10. I now have to keep my floors clean(er).

9. Waking up at 6:15 has never been a pleasure - until now.

8. She enjoys hearing me sing, something no one else has ever enjoyed. 

7. I compose awesome songs like the "Stinky Poo Poo" song, and the "Look at Baby Alice Lookin in the Mirror" song and of course the "You're Such a Roly Poly, Please Stop Moving so I can Change Your Diaper" song.

6. Seeing her gorgeous smile when I come into her room first thing in the mornings.

5. Trying to figure out what she's going to be when she grows up based on her ability to jump, eat her feet and scream.

4. Watching her learn something new every single day.

3. There's nothing cooler than seeing yourself and the love of your life combined into another beautiful human being.

2. I have never experienced love like this. And she reminds me why I should be a better person.

1. She's simply the best. I couldn't have asked for a better starter baby.  (Look out, #2!)

Ashley's Going Vegetarian????

Well, No. Actually. I doubt it very seriously. In my recent quest to reduce how much space I take up in this tiny world (or in other words, shrink my fat ass), I've decided to just stop eating a lot of things that I know can't be that good for me. Oddly enough, the worst foods in my repertoire aren't even meats. In fact, I hardly ever eat beef, and I've recently been kinda grossed out by pork anyway. In a hearty effort to save money, Matt and I have gotten used to eating very cheap and undernourishing meals. Man it sure is cheap to eat nasty, but delicious, unhealthy food. --let's say it all together-- thanks Wal-mart!!! (but no, thanks.)
            So lately I think my body has been telling me that the time has come. I've been craving and eating bags (yes, entire bags) of spinach. I'm becoming ok with not eating a huge meal every night for dinner. I'm wanting to keep almonds at my desk instead of peanut butter crackers to snack on at work. Could it be?? Ashley's starting to make healthy decisions?!?!
           Now, all of you non-vegetarians, or should I say ANTI-vegetarians, are wanting to ask--What does all this have to do with the wonderful world of meat? We are equipped with 6 molars in the back of our mouths to chew meat. Animals kill and eat other animals. It's all part of the food cycle. We were meant to have BBQs and eat Filet Mignon! All of those things were exactly what I would've said to myself, and still say to myself, really. I LOVE a delectable juicy medium rare Filet. I LOVE CHICKEN!!!

         But the sad fact is, I've recently begun to understand what terrible things are being done to these animals during their lives before they are being slaughtered. And it's not something I'm going to or even want to preach about. I've just decided to be one less person contributing to inhumane practices. 
         I went searching for some informative, yet not preachy, sites to add to this blog, and just got sick to my stomach doing the research. So, I'll just post a couple of articles that I found that pretty much sum it up. 


Animal Cruelty
WWF- Environmental Impacts of Beef Production
Possible Effects of Too Much Red Meat?

I'm the last person in this world who should be an outspoken advocate and/or activist for Vegetarianism. But I am beginning a journey that may take me there, who knows? (I highly doubt it.)

Top Ten Favorite Things -- Take 1

Top Ten Favorite Pieces of Advice from My    Dad --- a late Father's Day Tribute

10. Only ask someone how they're doing if you really care to know.

9. If you want to get something done, you have to do it yourself.

8. Know what you like to do and learn to be really good at it.

7. Don't make your hobby your career or you'll end up hating it.

6. Whatever you do, Don't become a DJ.

5. Careful not to burn bridges you may have to cross again later.

4. Curb Appeal is Everything.

3. If you keep your expectations low, you'll never be disappointed.

2. Don't Ask Questions you don't want to know the answers to.

1. There's nothing more important than family.




Happy Father's Day, Dad! All those times in high school when I rolled my eyes when you said these things, all along I was listening! You're a great dad and a wonderful grandaddy. I love you!

Efficiency => Punctuality.

My co-worker wrote a humorous blog recently about the fact that she is always late. Although I see her at work everyday, I guess I never realized she was "one of those" because she's usually pretty much very punctual getting to work. Her blog does inspire me a bit to put into words what I've always wanted to say to those people and never had the courage. And if you've read my previous blog entry, you'd know that when it comes to saying words out loud that are intended to be organized into complete thoughts and put into some sort of meaningful sequence, I'm absolutely the worst. Here's my opportunity to share my thoughts (in writing) on this very frustrating topic.
   Let me first say, there are some things I complain about that I am personally and admittedly guilty of doing. This, however, is not one of those things. If I know anything about anything, it's 2 things: kids and time management. 
    If you are one of those people, these are important points to keep in mind:
1. telling someone you are closer to your destination than you really are doesn't "trick" that person into thinking you are actually going to be on time. In fact, when you finally do arrive an hour late, the person has already figured out your lie and is twice as angry that you kept him waiting.
2. when you are procrastinating around the house before you leave for an appointment or a date, just take a second to think about what the other person(s) might be doing while you're watching the last 5 minutes of some reality drama and putting on 20 minutes worth of concealer and foundation. Nine times out of ten, keep in mind that person is probably feeling pretty unimportant and hearing every second on his watch tick by and thinking he could've spent this last hour doing something better than waiting for you.
3. No one is so incredibly awesome that blatant and consistent tardiness is excused. I think that only works if you're sleeping with the professor.
4. When you are the one who is always late, believe me, if no one's telling you how irritating it is, they're thinking it.

How to NOT be one of those people:
1. If you've been an adult for any length of time, you pretty much know how long it takes you to get ready to go somewhere. Take that time, add it to the amount of time it takes you to realistically get to your destination, and then subtract that total time from when you are expected to be somewhere. That's when you need to begin your routine.
2. Once you've decided you are on the move, keep going until you are out of the door. No pit stops.
3. Learn to be more realistic. Look at the clock and know how much time is left.
4. Always overestimate.
5. Don't sleep late! Get up early, have some coffee and relax for a while.
6. If you have kids: Get YOU ready first. Then start with the breakfast, packing the bags, etc.

So easy, a caveman could do it.  ;)
If I can keep my punctual reputation afloat even after having a baby, then I know it's possible for anyone else to give it a try. I'll read this again after baby number 2 and see if I'm not laughing hysterically at myself.